“We speak fluent delicious”

So declared a cheerily confident box that I saw resting just inside the locked gates in front of The Cutting Room on my way home from the gym this morning. The box was from a place called Voila! Bakery in Brooklyn. It actually made me chuckle — or dare I say chortle? — and I had to go back to check it out again before heading to my building. For a split second (or maybe ten), I actually considered bending down and reaching my hand through the gates to grab the box’s lid, fling it open, and take a few of whatever was inside the box, but then of course I realized that that would be, like, I dunno, stealing or something, and decided not to do it. Yeah, all of a sudden I sprouted “morals”. But where were those so-called morals when I swiped that really cool Japanese tea mug/cup from a certain midtown sushi restaurant a few Friday afternoons ago?

Anyway … I suppose I was haunted all day by the specter of forbidden sweet treats. Which may be why, when I got home, I instantly went to the freezer and popped a truffle into my yawning maw. I figured if I couldn’t have whatever was in that box outside, I could at least approximate the fun by sneaking something from the freezer (as if I had to sneak it). And yes, I know that you’re not “supposed” to freeze chocolate, but … well … you know me … I’m such a renegade.

What I actually thought was that by placing the box in the freezer, the truffles would be subject to the crafty ol’ “out of sight, out of mind” axiom, but of course I was only fooling/lying to myself. (That was the same sort of reasoning that, two years ago, had me hiding three boxes of chocolate-dipped Oreos in my freezer, only to be rescuing one of the boxes from the icy depths later that same day and inhaling every shivering cookie inside.) Later I ate the other two, on two separate trips to the freezer.

And maybe 20 minutes ago, in a fit of “Well, I should just eat the rest, so I can get rid of them and just be guilty this one day rather than stretch it out for one or two more days” rationalization, I did just that. I ate four more … bringing today’s truffle tally to a whopping SEVEN. Yep, seven. Seven out of 16. And a 16-piece box is 8 ounces, which means that I ate 3.5 ounces.

Then again, they are GOOD truffles. Or “truffes”, as I discovered they’re called by going to the Teuscher site. Champagne truffes — Dom Perignon! They’re definitely more delicious and far more elegant when eaten at room temperature, but if you eat them when they’re frozen, the calories are stagnated and thus aren’t completely absorbed by the digestive system.

Voila! I speak fluent nonsense.