Bargain Beatings!

Due to the overwhelming response to the original Beatings For All offer (what’s that? you missed it?), I have decided to extend the offer until February 15, 2002, so that those of you who wish to order a romantic Beating for Valentine’s Day may have the opportunity to do so. In order to ease the strain on your pocketbooks after the busy holiday season, I am now offering a special bonus, for a limited time only: Bargain Beatings — yes — buy one, get one free! But please don’t hesitate! This “twofer” is available only to the first 100 people who respond to this offer. Don’t miss out.

How my service has grown! When I first began offering Beatings, there was only one option: the ever-popular (and perennial favorite), no-frills, one-person-at-a-time Beating With A Stick. And from there the popularity grew exponentially, until I could no longer hold back … and consequently decided to branch out and offer the service to a broader audience, rather than restricting it to just 500 of my closest friends and my immediate family.

As always, there are plenty of you out there on whom I will bestow a Beating, free of charge. And, as is customary, I handpick the lucky beatees (or “BTs”, to those in the know). However, if you’re lucky, you may, for a nominal fee, request that I add a Beating Buddy to your order so that you can share the experience with someone whom you deem needs a beating too. How better to tell that Special Someone “I love you!”?

For those of you who wish to indulge in one of those lovely “random acts of kindness” that we all know and love, but can’t quite decide on a recipient for a Beating, please feel free to pick and choose any two beatees from the following list. Please be advised that this list is by no means exhaustive, and is only offered as a reference. If you do use my list, I recommend that you select one from Column A and one from Column B (and also a nice, greeezy egg roll, free of charge):

Gwyneth Paltrow

That thankless bitch with the cell phone who didn’t thank you when you held the door for her at Macy’s, even though you were shlepping six bulging bags and all she had was that stupid Kate Spade (probably a knockoff)

Ben Affleck/Matt Damon (interchangeable)

That inconsiderate shtick dreck who took your clothes out of the laundry-room dryer before they were dry, and replaced them with his own tattered, bargain-basement rags

Your "Significant Other’s" Ex-Whatever

That guy at the gym who never wipes his bodily secretions off the equipment and who occasionally blows his nose into his towel

Julia Roberts

That totally oblivious bargain-hunting cretin who, after getting off the escalator at TJMaxx, didn’t budge

Your Noisy Neighbor with the Hideously Bad Taste in Music

That salesguy who asks, jovially, “What can I do ya for?”

Your Hairdresser Who Doesn’t Know What "One Inch" Means

That runny-/crusty-nosed brat who stood up in the booth behind you in the diner, picking his nose and thinking he was cute

Anne Robinson (unfunny host of "The Weakest Link")

That woman in the locker room who insists on blow-drying her hair (everywhere) while naked (Note to Men Who Think This May Be Titillating: It’s not.  Trust me.)

Any "Survivor"

That chick in line in front of you, who had 15 minutes to decide which coffee concoction she wanted, but who, when asked by the "barista", still hadn’t made up her mind, and adorably giggled

Now get to it. Hurry. Be one of the lucky 100. Don’t let anyone beat you to it!