As if it wasn’t bad enough that we’ve had to be subjected to scads of jackasses in suits and ties peppily zipping to work on scooters, pretty soon we’re going to witness the upgrade, in the form of the Segway.

The way it works is this, kidz: If you’re too old to wear a clip-on tie, then you’re too old to use a scooter. I don’t care if it’s an original Razor or any knockoff thereof. I don’t care if you paid $19.99 or $299.99. I don’t care if it’s souped-up and extra peppy and can get you to work faster than the bus, subway, or taxi can get you there. It’s still a scooter, and it still ranks right up there with a propeller hat and a big swirly lollipop.

Same with the Segway. I’ll grant that it is pretty nifty, the way you use your own body to propel the thing, and I’ll admit that it may be cool to try one for about two minutes. But do we really need this thing? You see, I’ve discovered a really amazing way to get where I need to go. It’s a really radical idea, one that may shock you, one that I’ve finally decided to share with the public, even if it means that the streets will be teeming with all sorts of trendy beboppers eagerly joining in on the hubbub and unspeakable fun of my bold innovation.

You see, I’ve found these really cool things hanging from my body. They’re called legs. They’re attached to my torso at the hips. In addition, a little more than halfway between my hips and the ground are these kooky knobs (they bend!) known as “knees”. And if that’s not enough to make you stand up and take notice, well, waaay down at the bottom of the legs are these amazing extensions we here at the laboratory have tentatively named “feet”. But what’s particularly clever about this whole set-up is that I found that if I balance myself on the legs (I have two, which makes it a little easier) and then sort of bend each leg at the knee, lift each leg individually, each time placing the leg a little farther ahead of where it originated, alternating left and right, I can actually propel myself forward. And amazingly enough, I can do it backwards and sideways. And with practice I can spin and accelerate and do all kinds of really far-out and funky things with the whole contraption.

(Oh, and by the way … It’s all free!)