It stands, of course, for Don’t Question Me. It is, of course, my credo. You must, of course, comply.
Why? Well, what did I just say. What does DQM stand for, again? Have you already forgotten? And doesn’t “DQM” sorta, kinda, like, go hand-in-hand with “Because I Say So”? Yes. Yes, it does. You’re a quick study, you.
The following list (again, a list, and again a list with the caveat about it being far from complete) contains questions you should never ask me, in no particular order:
- Can I have a sip of your water/soda/any beverage?
- Why don’t you want any children?
- You mean you don’t ever want to get married?
- What is tofu, anyway?
- Are you still living in New York?
- Why did you turn down the Sandra Bullock part in Speed?
- Will you read something that I wrote and let me know what you think?
- Are you sure you don’t believe in God?
- Why don’t you drink?
- We don’t have a table in ‘non-smoking’; would you like to be seated in the smoking section?
- Would you like to go to the Hamptons?
- Do you mind if I breastfeed my colicky, red-faced infant at the table?
- How can you tell if you hate something if you’ve never tried it?
- Can you repeat what you just said?
- Would you mind giving me a backrub?
- Why are you always so … angry?
Furthermore, if I’ve just said that something is “so”, and I’ve supplied substantial “back up” to validate what I’ve just said, then there is no reason for you to question either the veracity or validity of the statement I’ve just made. Don’t ask, “Are you sure?”
And whatever you do, under no circumstances are you to ever turn to me, after a particularly delicious full-on, non-stop, practically punctuation-free “rant” or “rave”, and say, “Oooh! Tell me what you really think!” (Don’t write it either, especially if you’re going to add “LOL” or any permutation thereof.) Because I’ll be tempted to tell you. And believe me, you really won’t want to know.