Ewww ewww ewww, baby baby

Ask me if I want to hold your baby, and I’ll have to pass. But bring your puppy within 500 feet of me, and I’ll be rushing over and bending down to rub his belly faster than you can say “Woof!”, and making all the in(s)ane cooing sounds that accompany the experience.
I know it comes as a complete shock, but I am not a Baby Person by any stretch of anyone’s imagination. It’s not that I hate babies (except when they’re boiled, because then you just lose all the flavor). It’s not that I have anything against them. I just prefer animal babies over human babies. Always have. Always will.
I don’t hate small children, either. But I would like to take the time now to post a news flash for those parents out there who seem to think that everyone else should love their children as much as they do. NEWS FLASH: WE DON’T. We especially don’t adore them when we are held captive to their adorability because we are sharing public transportation with you.
Please heed the following (and note that, as always, when I use “he” I mean both genders; not for me that “s/he” nonsense):

  • Your child isn’t even one-eighth as cute as you apparently think he is, either in looks or personality.

  • The choo-choo is not an appropriate venue for StoryTime.
  • Your child’s singing may be sweet, soothing music to your parental ears, but to quite a few of of us it’s a twisted cacophonous jangle.
  • If you insist on performing “The Inky Dinky (or “Itsy Bitsy”) Spider”, please realize that even one rousing chorus is more than sufficient.
  • Your child’s face, staring into mine from the seat ahead of me (or in front of me, if in a diner booth), isn’t any cuter to me than my fist shoved into yours will be to him if you don’t tell him to turn the hell around.
  • Your toddler may have just learned to walk, but please don’t allow him to display his fresh new talent on the train station stairways at any time, especially during rush hour.
  • Silence is golden. Demonstrate this to your child sometime. He may just learn something from you.

This list, of course, as with all my lists, is by no means complete. I assure you that there are other items that I’ll want to include sometime in the future (i.e. five minutes from now), and you know I’m good for it.
Woof.