“Life and Limb”: An Exchange Policy

To: My father’s old “best friend”, the one who committed suicide on Father’s Day several years ago, leaving behind a 16-year-old daughter

How thoughtful.
You know, before you decided to relieve yourself of the burden of living, you should have come to me first. I wouldn’t have tried to talk you out of it, because I’m not the negotiating type, and, quite frankly, if you were considering killing yourself I wouldn’t even want to waste my time with you. But had you come to me, I would have suggested that you exchange your life for the one that my friend Aldo lost last October after a long bout with leukemia. I know he would have appreciated it. He would have found some way to make use of a life you considered useless.

To: Lazy losers on the escalator

If you have legs, and you have no physical limitations, then there is absolutely no excuse for you to use the escalator when there is a stairway that is available at the same location. “I’m tired” is no excuse. “It takes too long” is no excuse. “I’m a lazy bastard” is no excuse. And no, I don’t want to hear, “I have a big shopping bag.” That’s no excuse either.
You know what … If you don’t want to use your legs — if you prefer to let something else do the transporting for you — I know someone who would be more than happy to relieve you of them. She’s been in a wheelchair longer than I care to even imagine, thanks to multiple sclerosis, and she would gladly use the legs you seem to forget you have. In fact, she’d be thrilled, and beyond appreciative, so if you don’t mind I’m going to call around to make arrangements to have the exchange effectuated immediately.