Silence!

You’re all invited to my place tonight at 8:00.
We’re watching Silence of the Lambs on cable, which means there are no commercials, which means that if you have to “go”, you should do so now. I don’t want you rushing in here and lining up to use our facilities. Yes, we have two bathrooms, but I just don’t like the idea of so many asses touching our toilet seats. And I know, I know, some of you would probably just hover or squat, but still. So make sure you take care of that before you get here.
You should also know that you should eat whatever snacks you want to eat before the movie starts. I will not tolerate the rustling of cellophane, the shuffle of popcorn, the masticating of jujubes or Milk Duds, or any making out in the balcony. You can bring a drink, but make sure I don’t hear you gulping or swallowing.
Make sure you don’t talk while the movie is on. The only person who is allowed to ask stupid questions, comment on Jodie Foster’s looks, and repeat ad nauseam how sexy she thinks Anthony Hopkins is, is I (yes, that’s proper grammar).
You might also want to know that we live in a fifth-floor walkup, so if you’re not prepared to walk up 69 steps, then don’t even bother coming. I don’t want to have to listen to you gasping for breath for the first half hour of the movie.
See you soon.