M E M O R A N D U M
FROM: Vestibule Loiterer
RE: I need your help
I’ve been sitting down here in the vestibule for the past few days, ever since the bitch who bought me months ago finally decided to get her shit together and move the rest of her stuff out of the apartment she vacated back in May, months before her lease expired. Man, that crazy bitch had a whole lot of crap. I mean a ton of absolute fucking junk. I’m glad to be out of there, let me tell you. I thought I’d never make it out of there intact.
But it looks like I’m not gonna make it out of the vestibule, either. I don’t think the bitch is coming back for me. Apparently she deemed the rest of her garbage more valuable than I am, because I’m the only thing she didn’t take. I don’t get it. Do you think it’s because I never opened up to her? I don’t know. If so, it’s really her fault, because she never once made a move to help me open up. Whatever.
So here I am, still waiting. Like an idiot I’m waiting. Stood up, but still standing here, humiliated. Leaning against the wall like some kind of loser. It’s clear she doesn’t want me. I fear I’ve been replaced by someone bigger and better. Fine. She could at least have had enough class to tell me. She didn’t have to abandon me like this.
Well, I’ve taken enough of your time. I didn’t mean to ramble. I really just wanted to ask you if, the next time you come back in from your morning trip to the gym (by the way, you look fantastic!), you wouldn’t mind scooping me up and bringing me upstairs with you. I could use a good home. (I’ve heard your apartment is beautiful!)
Don’t worry, though. If you do take me in, I won’t stay long. I know your cat, Shana (that is her name, isn’t it? such a pretty name!), and I will be good friends, even if I’m only there for a week or so.
Just because I’m litter doesn’t mean I’m trash.
Did I mention how fantastic you look? I mean, you really do. And strong. Strong enough to carry a seven-pound bag like me up those five flights of stairs with one perfectly manicured hand tied behind your back, I’d say! (No wonder your legs are in such great shape! Wow!)
Thanks for your time. See you tomorrow?
P.S. You’re much prettier than the girl who abandoned me. Much. And thinner. xoxo, Freshie S.