Dirty Laundry

You know, I guess I should, like, expand my newspaper browsing to include something more than just the Weekly World News and Page Six of the New York Post. And stop spending so much time on the internet searching for one-dish no-cook recipes and rainy-day crafts. Or maybe I should just fire my no-good personal assistant. The girl sure can type well and has a great telephone manner, but she’s going to have to keep me abreast of all the important news while I’m busy catching up with the backlog of Lifetime movies that I’m just now starting to get around to watching.
I mean, just today I found out about this. How long have you known about it? And when were you planning to tell me?
Green Bay Packer Najeh Davenport allegedly left a little fecal friendliness in a laundry basket in a woman’s dormitory closet. And yeah, it’s certainly vile, and yeah, this dumb shit certainly does deserve to be treated to a return party favor (yeah, I’m just going right on ahead and assuming he did it — I just don’t like this wishy-washy “allegedly” stuff). But I’ve got to say that I’m giggling like the infant that Davenport apparently is over this statement, made by his attorney: “The truth will come out in the wash.”
Someone, please, provide me with a sidesplittingly hilarious pun on a laundry detergent’s name, so I don’t have to do it.