As you may have noticed, in the right-hand column of this page, I have been announcing for quite some time that a “Q&A” is “Coming Soon!” Now, I may be a tease, but ultimately I do follow through, because I’m nothing if not a nice girl.
The problem is this: Most of the questions that people have actually asked me, via email, well … how do I put this delicately without offending anyone … well, the questions really fucking blow. If one more person asks me any sort of question that would be asked on a bad first date, I’m going to have to take drastic action.
So I need your input. I need you to ask me questions that I’ll want to answer. Now, I can imagine that by now you’re already cringing or cowering somewhere in the corner, the way you used to do when you were really really bad and your florid-faced, besotted bastard of a dad came after you with a rolled-up Weekly World News, because you know that ordinarily I do not entertain questions and indeed even enforce a strict policy known as DQM.
But now, for a limited time only, I’m lifting the ban and giving you license to ask me something. Of course there are guidelines/rules you must follow if you want me to even consider providing an answer to your question.
First and foremost, however, before even listing the guidelines, I must tell you that contrary to what your mom has told you, there are, indeed, such things as stupid questions. She was right when she told you not to run around the pool or when she told you that if you did that nasty thing to yourself you’d grow hair on your palms. But about “stupid questions”, she was wrong.
If you ask a stupid question (and stupidity is to be determined by an esteemed panel of experts), I will not answer it with an even remotely intelligent answer. In fact, I won’t answer it at all.
And now, without further ado, I present to you …
- No sexual questions. Don’t ask about sexual positions, the first time I had sex, the last time I had sex, or if I’ll have sex with you. Remember: the only people who give a flying fuck about what other people are doing behind of, or in front of, closed doors, are those who aren’t “getting any” themselves. Be a sport and let me believe (however erroneously) you’re sexy enough not to ask.
- No questions that will enable you to stalk me. I will not tell you my street address. I will not give you my phone number. I will not give you the longitude and latitude so you can plot it on a map. You know I live in Manhattan. It’s a small village, so just ask one of the dusty old guys playing chess on a dustier older barrel outside the general store.
- No bullshit questions that you would ask someone on an ill-fated first date (as mentioned in an introductory paragraph) (so you know I really mean it). These include, but by no means are limited to, “What was your major in college? How old are you? Do you have any brothers and sisters? Are those really yours? Are you sure you won’t blow me in the back seat?”
- No questions about why I ordinarily don’t allow questions.
“You’re putting so many restrictions on us,” you may be whining. “You’re such a bitch. If I can’t ask THAT and I can’t ask THIS, then what the hell can I ask?” Well, that’s up to you. If you don’t have the clever, agile mind that can come up with a question that’s not boring, banal, or just plain old stupid, then you shouldn’t be asking me what you should be asking me. Rather, you should be asking yourself why you haven’t availed yourself and your neck of that big thick rope that’s been taunting you from its resting place in a corner in your dad’s garage for the last decade or so.
So ask away. You have until the end of my business day (11:59 p.m. EST) on Friday, 12 July 2002 to ask what you want to ask.
You may submit as many questions as you like, but use at least a modicum of discretion.
Do not submit your questions via a comment to this post. Email me only, through this link (leave the subject line as it appears).
Oh, and one more thing: This is supposed to be fun, so make it so!
P.S. I haven’t yet decided whether or not the Q&A will attach submitters’ identities to their questions when the page goes “live”. Let me know what you think.