1. Young men should never smoke pipes. (I mean the kind that a professor would cradle in his palm while wearing a tweed sportsjacket with leather elbow patches.)
2. tHeRe iZ nEVeR aN eXCusE tO tYpE LiKE tHiS.
3. Don’t include me on the list of people to whom you are forwarding “inspirational” email. I detest that “Footsteps in the Sand” blatherskite and anything of its kind. Don’t send me any hilarious variations, either. They suck even more than the original.
4. Don’t ever tell me you’re “ROTF”, unless you truly are. And don’t make matters worse by appending “LMAO” to it, unless you can supply irrefutable evidence that your ass has, indeed, separated itself from your person. Hyperbole and acronyms certainly have their place, but not when (ab)used this way.
5. Don’t assume that because I choose the vegetarian “meal option” when flying, I don’t want the brownie or cake. Just because I don’t eat the meats doesn’t mean I don’t eat the sweets.
6. Never call me on the phone (we could end this one right here … but wait! there’s more!) to tell me you have nothing to say.

As is always the case with my lists, this one is by no means complete. Tonight is no different from any other night. (This isn’t, after all, Hanukkah.)