More Gym Dandy

Who could forget those loveable ragamuffins I described in my last (and first) installment of Gym Dandy? A mere three weeks ago I tossed out a few crunchy nuggets about a couple of people at the gym who deserved the derision I lovingly heaped upon them. Well today, kidz, there’s more!
Today, however, rather than talk about these people behind their [hairy, in some cases] backs, I’m going to address them directly, in the hopes that someone leads them to this page, and by reading about their infractions, their private humiliation leads to change that will save them future public disgrace. (I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to help.)
To Mr. Boxer Shorts and Your Lovely Boxer-Beshorted Female Companion: Oh, how cute. Precious. You shop together. While I applaud your decision to do so at J. Crew, where you can find classic stuff that will probably wear well and is appropriate for most occasions, I feel it is only my duty to inform you that working out is not one of those occasions.
What were you thinking when you bought those boxer shorts, Mister? “Oh, look, they’re red, white, and blue plaid. I can wear them on The Fourth. But I don’t want to spend $7.99 if I’m just going to wear them one day a year. Oh, I know. I can wear them to the gym. This lightweight cotton will absorb all moisture and become a sodden lump between my thighs wih a minimum of exertion. Plus, the navy blue will ‘pick up’ the navy blue of the socks I intend to wear with them in public.”
And you. Over there. Mrs. Mister. What were you thinking? Obviously you weren’t. Obviously you were sleepwalking when you bought those things with the intention of wearing them in public. For $7.99, you, like your boytoy, could easily amortize the cost by wearing them around the house, like I do, thus eliminating the need (if not the desire) to wear them beyond your front door. Boxer shorts at home, especially with the waistband rolled down, and worn with a T-shirt (baby doll or otherwise) can be cute-sexy. But out in public, with an oversized T-shirt and hair that should be hidden under a baseball cap, well … no. (And by the way, I am by no means condoning baseball caps as acceptable headgear at the gym. Even with a pert ponytail pulled saucily through the space in the back. Just brush your fucking hair, pull it back, and be done with it.)
To Too-Tan Titsy: May I daintily suggest a workout top that covers more of your tits than exposes them? Once your Grand Canyon of a cleavage becomes the sweat reservoir that I know is inevitable, the effect you’re going for is going to be lost. And by the way, we’ve all heard that getting a tan will mask cellulite, but really, a little fat is better than a lot of melanoma.
To Hirsute-Shouldered-and-Backed “Muscle Shirt” Guy: Ummm … no. I mean … no. Lose the growth. Gain some muscle. Then we’ll talk. Or maybe not.
There are a lot more where these came from, because the gym, as always, is a never-ending source of hilarity and scorn. The sartorial selections are only surpassed by the outrageous workouts that are peformed in them. And that, my friends, is another item for another day. Stay tuned.