Out of the Loop

I am so out of touch with what’s going on out there in the real world. These kids these days with their long hair and their rock-and-roll!
This afternoon my adorable new friend Elise mentioned “Guster” in an email. I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought it was a kind of junk food. I pictured it having some sort of delightfully salty cheesy filling, sort of like Combos. I had no idea it was (is?) a band until I did a — gasp! — Google search.
I’m so out of it. What’s going to become of me? Or has whatever’s to become of me already become? What’s next? Am I going to look down and discover that I’m sporting a putty-colored acrylic cardigan and using phrases such as “Neato bondito!” and “Yeppers!” — unaware that they’ve been replaced by hipper lingo such as “Fabamundo!” and “Yessiree!” ?
It’s all too much to bear! I think I need a glass of Ovaltine or Postum to calm me down.