You don’t say!

Several weeks ago, Tess posted a list of things you’d never hear her say. A few days before she did so, I had considered doing the same thing, but put it off to post something politically pressing or socially relevant instead. After I read her list, I didn’t want to publish mine for fear that she would think I was stealing her idea and then come out to New York with an industrial-size drum of “whoop ass”. I may like a good ass-whoopin’ (who doesn’t, really?) and Tess may be pretty cute and all, but still.
So now I present for you a few things you’ll never hear me say. (I would never actually use the words “whoop ass” in real life, but given that it’s Tess’ preferred method of punishment, I thought I’d use it here in deference to her.)

  1. “Disneyland? Never been there. But someday I hope to go.”
  2. “Come here and give me a hug.”
  3. “Smoking.”
  4. “Extra cheese, please.”
  5. “Softball? Count me in!”
  6. “Here, let me help you with the dishes.”
  7. “Enough of these Brady bastards. Let’s see if there’s a car race on ESPN or something.”
  8. “Be nice.”
  9. “Two forks, please.”
  10. “Ommmmm …”
  11. “Can I hold your baby?”
  12. “Big deal. It’s just a cat.”
  13. “Oooh! A food court!”
  14. “Just stop by anytime. No need to call first.”
  15. “Who’s having the Botox party this week?”
  16. “Gwyneth, I love your work.”
  17. “Scientology is not bullshit!”
  18. “A baby shower! Neat! I’ll pick up some of those paper umbrellas and organize the whole thing.”
  19. “Where are we going to dinner on Valentine’s Day?”
  20. “PIN number”
  21. “No, you’re wrong. It’s pronounced LAHR-nix.”
  22. “Order in? Are you crazy?”
  23. “Black Friday? Who cares. Take me to the mall!”
  24. “Pass the butter.”
  25. “Mmm. Sauna.”

Numbers 26 through 4,862,129 to follow. Stay tuned.