Several weeks ago, Tess posted a list of things you’d never hear her say. A few days before she did so, I had considered doing the same thing, but put it off to post something politically pressing or socially relevant instead. After I read her list, I didn’t want to publish mine for fear that she would think I was stealing her idea and then come out to New York with an industrial-size drum of “whoop ass”. I may like a good ass-whoopin’ (who doesn’t, really?) and Tess may be pretty cute and all, but still.
So now I present for you a few things you’ll never hear me say. (I would never actually use the words “whoop ass” in real life, but given that it’s Tess’ preferred method of punishment, I thought I’d use it here in deference to her.)
- “Disneyland? Never been there. But someday I hope to go.”
- “Come here and give me a hug.”
- “Smoking.”
- “Extra cheese, please.”
- “Softball? Count me in!”
- “Here, let me help you with the dishes.”
- “Enough of these Brady bastards. Let’s see if there’s a car race on ESPN or something.”
- “Be nice.”
- “Two forks, please.”
- “Ommmmm …”
- “Can I hold your baby?”
- “Big deal. It’s just a cat.”
- “Oooh! A food court!”
- “Just stop by anytime. No need to call first.”
- “Who’s having the Botox party this week?”
- “Gwyneth, I love your work.”
- “Scientology is not bullshit!”
- “A baby shower! Neat! I’ll pick up some of those paper umbrellas and organize the whole thing.”
- “Where are we going to dinner on Valentine’s Day?”
- “PIN number”
- “No, you’re wrong. It’s pronounced LAHR-nix.”
- “Order in? Are you crazy?”
- “Black Friday? Who cares. Take me to the mall!”
- “Pass the butter.”
- “Mmm. Sauna.”
Numbers 26 through 4,862,129 to follow. Stay tuned.