Dear Mr. So Completely Nondescript That I, Someone Who Ordinarily Notices Even The Most Minute Of Details Of Others’ Appearances, Even If Given Only Five Seconds To Observe, Can’t Even Remember The Color Of Your Hair:
Whenever I leave my apartment, I am bombarded with all manner of blatherskite and bullshit almost as soon as my sassy strappy sandals hit the pavement. I am treated to a deluge of darling com(pli)ments, ranging from the outright and intelligible (but not necessarily intelligent), i.e. “Oh my GOD!” “Gorgeous!”, and “YES!!!” to the mumbled and semi-intelligible, i.e. “Mmmpphhthhh beautiful phhtthhmmpphh” to clucks, whistles, groans, and oh too many non-word permutations to even consider listing.
Rarely do I respond to these asinine utterances. Indeed, I instantly regard anyone who thinks it’s cute ‘n’ clever to offer anything other than a standard greeting, as a supreme jackass not even worthy of an eyebrow raise. (In case you’re a little confused, a “standard greeting” is nothing more than a simple “Hello”, “Hi”, or “Good [part of the day].”
So why would you think that, out of the scads of idiotic remarks that I receive every time I set even one toe outside my door, your pathetic, sibilant, persistent “Pssssssssttt!!!” was going to be the one to which I would respond? Especially since you chose to share your delightful comment not as I came face to face with you but after I’d already passed.
You are forgettable. Your method of attention-getting is hackneyed. I mean, hey, if you feel compelled to utter something, at least be original. Come up with something good, like this, which a suave guy once offered in Philadelphia, in a voice that was reminiscent of Barry White:
Hey, Snowflake. How about some … chocolate cake … that’s already baked …
And say it to my face, the way this guy did, so when I laugh at your comment, you can laugh back and smile. Although his offering took the cake, I didn’t take it or eat it, but at least I remembered it.
Just a suggestion, Mr. SCNTISWONETMMOFOOAEIGOFSTOCERTCOYH (if indeed that is your real name).