Claret-fication (Editor’s Note)

My ever-viligant editor has suggested that I clarify that I was not intoxicated last night due to the ingestion of any alcohol; rather, I experienced the same feeling of “drunkenness” from the coffee and Diet Coke that I would have had I ingested two glasses of wine.
I don’t mean to, uh, w(h)ine, but hey, my good reputation cannot afford any tarnishment. Especially after all the brouhaha that resulted after I was caught shoplifting in Saks with my best “gal pal” (the one I will only refer to as “WR”).