Well, not technically. I didn’t technically lie. I mean, it would only be a lie if I intended to deceive, right? (Damn it, where’s “Trey” when I need him!?)
Oh, whatever. (And here you must picture me on Maury, “dissing” the audience as I parade out onto the stage giving the audience the ever-popular “double finger”.) I suppose I just told a mistruth. But at the time, I meant it.
What is it, you wonder? Well, it’s just this: This weekend, I told several people that today was going to be the day I finally released myself from my self-imposed exile. Today was going to be the day I stayed outside for a period of time longer than it takes to get to the gym and/or Pilates and back. Today was going to be the first day in a long time that I spent a great deal of time outside to do something other than run a few errands. Today was the day I was going to stop being a hermit and waiting for the weather to cooperate. Today was going to be the day I took my camera and myself on a little jaunt and then came back here and uploaded/downloaded/whatever (!) all of the gorgeous/stunning/riveting/thought-provoking pictures I’d taken and write something really meaningful/inane about what I did.
Well, it didn’t happen.
Instead, I went to Pilates (shut up &#151 it’s fantastic!) and then to the nearest branch of the New York Public Library, where they actually had a copy of “American Psycho” on the shelf. Sure, it’s dog-eared and filthy and looks like someone read it while sitting on the toilet. And sure, someone probably turned its pages with fingers that lingered perhaps a little too lovingly on other appendages. And sure, hundreds or thousands of other people may have handled this book before me and licked its pages or tucked it down their pants just for the sheer delight and thrill … but … I …
… still …
… took it …
… out.
Oh no. Do you think it’s safe to read? Should I wear gloves if I read it? I’m fresh out of latex gloves, and I discarded the yellow Playtex pair a while ago because, well, it turns out that aortal blood does stain them … So do you think a pair of regular ol’ cold-weather gloves will do the trick? (Not the luxe cashmere pair but the mismatched set that I put together when two other pairs lost their twins.)
So anyway … I do intend to do all that I was supposed to do today. But I will do it tomorrow. Really. I will.
At the very least, I will take “American Psycho” with me to the park and read it there. I just hope no one looks at me askance when they see me turning the pages wearing mittens and a “HAZMAT” suit.
And with that, I bid you all the very fondest of adieus. The book, she beckons me. Ahhh, how I glove a good read.