Listen. Just listen for a minute, OK? Stop doing countless Google searches for people you haven’t seen in years … or adding more things to that Wish List … Just stop. Listen up.
Just because they make it doesn’t mean ya gotsta buy it. Just because scads of manufacturers have a “We make it, you buy it” sort of thing going on, what with makin’ a whole lotta nada in the form of hideous schlock, doesn’t mean you have to buy it. Dig?
(For the so-called “record”, I’m not talking about “kitsch”, which I adore. Schlock and kitsch are not the same thing.)
OK. So what exactly constitutes shlock? Well, it’s not an exact science, so I’ll just provide a list of items that, although available in stores and online, should not be purchased. Ever. EVER.
- Tweetie Bird sweatshirts in sizes larger than a child’s 8
- Coral lipstick
- Cowboy hats
- “Suntan” pantyhose
- Terrycloth headband and wristband sets
- Floral dresses with lace insets and self-belts
- Capri pants
- Thong leotards
- “Fanny” packs
- Mesh half-shirts
- Black lacquer bedroom sets
- White lacquer dining room sets
- Anything touted on TV by Victoria Principal
- Professional sports team jerseys (especially if intended to be worn to a game)
- Padded toilet seats (additional cringe factor if there is an embossed flower design on the lid)
- T-shirts with “Hottie” emblazoned across the chest
- Christmas sweaters
- “Rotary” phones with push-button dial
- Anything decorative shaped like a lighthouse
- Fabric flowers
- Fake plants
- Hummel figurines (just because they’re expensive doesn’t mean they’re not hideous schlock)
- Any doll advertised in Parade magazine — especially the baby “Michael” holding a baseball
- Decorative ducks with bows around their necks
Numbers 26 to 1,186,997 forthcoming.