Schlock Market

Listen. Just listen for a minute, OK? Stop doing countless Google searches for people you haven’t seen in years … or adding more things to that Wish List … Just stop. Listen up.
Just because they make it doesn’t mean ya gotsta buy it. Just because scads of manufacturers have a “We make it, you buy it” sort of thing going on, what with makin’ a whole lotta nada in the form of hideous schlock, doesn’t mean you have to buy it. Dig?
(For the so-called “record”, I’m not talking about “kitsch”, which I adore. Schlock and kitsch are not the same thing.)
OK. So what exactly constitutes shlock? Well, it’s not an exact science, so I’ll just provide a list of items that, although available in stores and online, should not be purchased. Ever. EVER.

  1. Tweetie Bird sweatshirts in sizes larger than a child’s 8

  2. Coral lipstick
  3. Cowboy hats
  4. “Suntan” pantyhose
  5. Terrycloth headband and wristband sets
  6. Floral dresses with lace insets and self-belts
  7. Capri pants
  8. Thong leotards
  9. “Fanny” packs
  10. Mesh half-shirts
  11. Black lacquer bedroom sets
  12. White lacquer dining room sets
  13. Anything touted on TV by Victoria Principal
  14. Professional sports team jerseys (especially if intended to be worn to a game)
  15. Padded toilet seats (additional cringe factor if there is an embossed flower design on the lid)
  16. T-shirts with “Hottie” emblazoned across the chest
  17. Christmas sweaters
  18. “Rotary” phones with push-button dial
  19. Anything decorative shaped like a lighthouse
  20. Fabric flowers
  21. Fake plants
  22. Hummel figurines (just because they’re expensive doesn’t mean they’re not hideous schlock)
  23. Any doll advertised in Parade magazine — especially the baby “Michael” holding a baseball
  24. Decorative ducks with bows around their necks
  25. This

Numbers 26 to 1,186,997 forthcoming.