I woke up this morning with a stiff upper lip. Sounds sexy, doesn’t it? Well, I assure you it’s not. The lip looks normal, but it feels tight and chapped. I daresay it even feels a little numb. It is not responding to the tiny dab of Vaseline that the DOG suggested I apply. (I will not tell you what I said about Vaseline. It’s too disgusting, even for me.)
This can only mean one thing.
I have scleroderma.
Yes, I have a debilitating disease. No mere chapped lip, this. No mere irritation brought about by hot water or exfoliant or an exuberant scrubbing of my entire face because, for five minutes, I was convinced my face resembled a topographical map of Peru. No, it’s definitely something more insidious.
It’s either scleroderma, or my top-secret experiments with the teleportation device I developed here in my lab have transformed my flesh a la Seth Brundle and my cat will be batting my corroded lip down the hall sometime later this afternoon.
But I’ll be strong. I’ll be brave. I’ll stare this affliction down, and through the sheer force of my staunch will, I’ll ward it off just like I did the lupus, multiple sclerosis, brain tumor, cancer (colon, breast, and cervical, among others), anthrax, appendicitis, jaundice, mumps, diabetes, hepatitis, and tetanus.
In the meantime, though, should I call someone? Or should I just wait until Tuesday, when I go in for my distemper shot?
Either way, I’ll keep a stiff upper lip.
Keep me in your thoughts. Thank you.