Wedding Hells

This past Sunday as I was going through the section of the New York Times that contains all of those annoying wedding announcements — a weekly ritual that never fails to leave me screaming, “I am never reading this shit again! These people all need beatings! I hate ALL of them! I want them all to be divorced in two years! And what’s up with this one’s hair anyway???” — I noticed a familiar name.
The name of a former, uh, “flame”. Or beau. Or suitor. Or whatever the hell you call someone you went out with a few times, who said he really liked you, had a blast with you, thought you were gorgeous and sexy and witty and fabulous, but who insisted on being a douchebag and chasing other, less gorgeous/sexy/witty/fabulous skirts around town.
Anyway, his wedding announcement was in the paper, along, of course, with that of his wife/bride. However, only her photo appeared. Just a little rinky-dink snap of her face. (I won’t say what I think of her looks. I won’t mention her white-bread, pearls-and-angora-sweater, sorority girl, hello-I-have-a-trust-fund appearance. I mean, I really hate to judge a book by her blond cover. I do.)
Well, apparently I’m not the only person who thought, “Oh, that’s a really good sign. Now there’s a marriage that’s going to last a lifetime!” because last night, after Chad (my personal assistant, of course) and I were on MSN Messenger well after 11:00 p.m. discussing something that needed our immediate attention, I watched David Letterman. Turned it on just in time to see that he was showing wedding announcements from last week’s Sunday NYT and commenting on whether or not he thought the marriages would last.
Every annoucement he showed contained two ridiculously happy people smiling for the camera. And each of these marriages, Letterman pronounced, would last. The last annoucement he presented was the one for my ex-whatever and his new bride. And he made the same comment I made (evidence, of course, that I am too big for my “blog” and simply must have my own late-night talk show). “The guy can’t even show up for the picture. Yeah, this one’s really going to last!”
Of course, I wish “C” and whatever-her-name-is all the best. I wish them love and good fortune and many many unicorn- and rainbow-filled moments of light and laughter and spiritual unity. I wish them every happiness in the world. I just want what’s best for them. And I just hope, for the Sweetheart of Sigma Chi’s sake, that true love cures impotence.
Mazel tov!