Domestic Goddesslessness

All right, so I may not be a “domestic goddess” and know how to do all sorts of household stuff. Or, OK, so maybe I know how to do it but I just don’t like it. That’s closer to the “deal”. Yes, I know how to cook and can make some pretty incredible dishes, including a risotto with leeks and porcini mushrooms that an old beau who lived part-time in Tuscany deemed the best risotto he’d ever had. Yes, I can even bake too, in a real oven that isn’t powered by a lightbulb. White and dark chocolate macadamia brownies to die for. Or at least worthy of suffering some sort of seizure for.
I have no idea, though, how to go about painting walls, refinishing furniture, sewing my own (or anyone else’s) clothes, and a whole host(ess) of other domestic activities/tasks. The last time I sewed anything more than a button was in seventh grade, when my home ec teacher praised me on my innovative way of using corduroy so the wales were horizontal on the stunning camel-colored wrap skirt I’d created.
I don’t do crafts. I cringe in stores like “Michael’s”. I don’t make wreaths. (Which is OK because I detest them.) I don’t own a glue gun. I don’t BeDazzle.
I do none o’ that stuff at all.
But I’m really good at coming up with ideas for inventions that I think the world needs now. Necessity is the mother of invention, as “they” (whoever they are) say, and I’ve got a need that requires attention, Mama. Hence, my latest invention idea; this: a sort of Band-Aid® for the roof of the mouth. I need one now. A couple of days ago I scraped mine with something (tofu can be so menacing), and now my tongue keeps prodding it and poking it and rolling around on it. And I can’t stop.
By this time tomorrow, I imagine this tiny surface scrape will expand, courtesy of my tongue’s insistence, into a bloody cavern, and I expect to feel my tongue curiously and tentatively making its way to the edges of my brain. I’m wondering what that will taste like. (Chicken, perhaps?) (UnChicken?)
If I were handier with a needle and thread, I’d just go in there right now, and zip zip zip, put a few stitches where they’re needed. And add a pretty button while I was at it.
Oh, to be domestically inclined!