Lights Out

A few days ago, I had to do without electricity in my apartment for an entire evening. Thus, I was forced to stay away from bad TV and the internet. What was a girl to do? Snack? Eat everything in the refrigerator and freezer before it had an opportunity to rot and/or melt?
I decided to leave the refrigerator and freezer doors shut, to keep their respective cold and freezing intact as much and as long as possible. Because the gas was also turned off, I couldn’t salvage anything by cooking it. (There’s a joke in there somewhere about salvaging my cooking, but I don’t feel like digging around for it.) Visions of heating everything in the microwave danced in my head (sugarplums not quite in season yet) until I realized, brilliantly, that … the … microwave … uses electricity.
So I did what any pioneering Jewess on the prairie does: lit candles and suffered in silence. Tea lights, tapers. If I’d had those wacky birthday candles that automatically relight when someone tries to blow them out, I’d’ve lit them too and thus I wouldn’t have had to worry about entertaining myself for the rest of the evening, given that the candles’ fun is built-in.
One thing I didn’t want to do, though, at least insofar as illumination was concerned, was light the “good” candles. The fancy candles. The special, pretty ones that I’ve had displayed in various candlesticks, candelabra, and holders for years. (And no, none of them are shaped like kittens. Don’t get me started on whimsical candles. Please.) Waiting, like “good china”, for some special occasion.
But what “special occasion”? A romantic interlude with my true love, Johnny Depp? An evening photo shoot conducted by Architectural Digest? Dinner with the Queen? (She does look lovely by candlelight.)
“Oh no, I can’t use it,” I said, eying the huge candle that would certainly last longer than any of the tens of tealights I was considering.
And then I used it.
And wouldn’t you know it … Johnny Depp appeared!
So the moral of the story is this: Use your “special occasion” stuff no matter what. Don’t wait. Any occasion can be special. Isn’t that pretty?
Oh, and another moral of the story is this: Don’t eat re-frozen Soy Dream.
Oh yeah, and this: Con-Ed blows.
The End.
Fade to black …