Yesterday I was subjected to rigorous testing in a top secret laboratory somewhere about an hour outside the city, in order to come up with some conclusions about myself that otherwise I would never have been able to determine in the comfort of my own palatial digs. My own kitchen is equipped with one saucepan, a spatula (it’s a nice one, though), and a Spaghetti Stick, so the likelihood of my having the newfangled equipment required to perform a battery of highly scientific tests was pretty low. Hence, the necessity of a fully equipped professional laboratory setting.
I was taken in an unmarked vehicle to a location I couldn’t even disclose if I wanted to (I was, of course, blindfolded, earplugged, and gagged, and let me tell you, the ball was just a bit too big for my mouth), and, for about 12 hours, I was observed through one-way glass as I played with all manner of Fisher-Price® toys, filled in little black boxes of standardized test forms with a No. 2 Ticonderoga-Dixon pencil, and played this game. I was also subjected to a whole host of proddings and pokings and other manner of invasive procedures, both physical and psychological.
I’ve got to say that the results shocked me to my very core which, by the way, is not chocolatey nougat, but the same exquisiteness found in the center of these. The following is a partial list of what was discovered.
- I am not a “people person”. The chances of my ever being considered anything close are less than zero a measurement that actually exists on the sensitive, carefully calibrated instrument used in the test.
- Big, fluffy/furry afro wigs, even when worn on Hallowe’en by highly original revelers, do not amuse me in the least. The scientists were astounded by the utter lack of visible reaction on my face when they paraded a seemingly unending line of the aforementioned revelers in front of me.
- Even under extreme duress, I will never say that something “rocks my world”. The experts brought in Johnny Depp, not just once but twice, Gregory Peck,
and the most gorgeous plate of Pad Thai to ever grace the planet, but still … no.
- If a glass of iced coffee is placed on the floor by my feet, there is a 100% chance that I will kick it over, curse loudly and creatively, and, while running for paper towel to wipe up the mess, vow never to place another glass of iced coffee on the floor by my feet. There is also a 100% chance that the following day, the same situation will occur.
- I do not approve of strangers sweating on me, especially when the sweat travels through the air from its original host in order to reach my unsuspecting arm several feet away.
- I only condone the use of curse words if the person uttering them has an otherwise extensive vocabulary.
- I am not a fan of the current trend of wearing very very long scarves.
- Although I do not sanction the use of leather pants by most straight or non-black men, this fine young man can get away with it.
- At social gatherings and in all other situations where I can either participate in the actual activity or hang out with the “help” in the kitchen or anywhere else behind the scenes, I will choose the latter.
- I experience a violent physical reaction when some regular American schlub tries to affect an Irish brogue.
More results are forthcoming late this afternoon, at which time they will be published.