I just realized that on this, the eve of Tx-giving, I haven’t shared with the public any of the countless reasons why I’m thankful. I mean, everyone else is doing it, and you know how I hate to be left out, how I love to be part of everything and be where the action is. That’s just the kind o’ gal I am. So from now until the end of the day, I am going to list things for which I am thankful, not in a general sense, i.e. I’m thankful for a roof over my head and shoes on my feet and I’m thankful I’m not ugly, but things that happen today, and at the specific time they gave me reason to be thankful.
Keep checking back, because, as I said, I will be adding to this list throughout the day. (Just in case you weren’t “listening”, damn you. You should be thankful you have eyes and that you can read.)
Today I am thankful for the following:
- 8:05 a.m.: I am still alive. And kicking. (High kicks, like a showgirl.)
- 10:02 a.m.: Although I am out of Splenda packets, I have a vast quantity of “loose” Splenda.
- 10:03 a.m.: Coffee.
- 12:26 p.m.: The conscientious, strapping young buck at Best Buy who not only directed me to the blank videotapes but who walked me there himself, after his co-worker just blithely flung his hand in the general direction of “somewhere over there, I believe” when I asked him first. I am also thankful to myself for describing the first guy to the second as “the guy over there [and I indicated rather precisely] with the long braids who’s too busy having the time of his life laughing and cavorting with his buddy to take the time to do his job properly”.
- 2:18 p.m.: At long last, I have finally weaned the greedy parasitic twin sprouting from my right side. And it’s so cute. Already he’s asked for “punkin pie”!
- 4:06 p.m.: The dry cleaner was able to get that mysterious weird-tasting stain out of my Miles Standish costume. I love same-day service!
- 5:28 p.m.: Alexander Graham Bell. Because Morse Code is only effective if the menu you’re using to “order in” features a handy alpha-numeric system.
- 10:18 p.m.: Not only will I commune with thousands of my brothers and sisters of the Universe at Penn Station tomorrow morning, but I will be afforded the rare opportunity to become better acquainted with quite a few of them when too many of us are shoehorned into a train ill-equipped to handle the load, and standing-room-only takes on a whole new dimension when the husky musky man pressed behind me decides to try out the latest in frottage techniques.
- 11:29 p.m.: I am #2 on a Google search for the word “because”. Yes, second in a list of more than 88,300,000. I am thankful, in advance, to whomever rubs out the #1 placeholder so that I can rise to the top, the whey I should. (I would make a hideously “un-PC” remark about one JAP displacing another, but that wouldn’t be nice. No. It wouldn’t. So I won’t.)