En Route to Philadelphia Area
Number of:

• People at Penn Station (excluding me and the DOG): 16,422,019
  • Whose deaths I dreamed of facilitating: 16,422,019

  • Who needed to acquaint themselves with soap: 1,800,247
  • Who bumped into me: 13,011,582
    • Whom I directly and loudly addressed as “asshole”: 1
• People on the train to Trenton: N/A
• People at Trenton train station: 10,822
  • Who stuffed their faces at Roy Rogers: 4,125

  • Whose deaths I dreamed of facilitating: 10,822

At Mom and Dad’s
Number of:

• People at the house (including me and the DOG): 6
  • Whose deaths I dreamed of facilitating: 1
• Times I described turkey as “carnage”: 82
• Servings of string bean casserole I had: 520

Amount of:

• Fun I had: scads!

On Way Home to New York
Number of:

• People at Trenton train station: 7,104
  • Who said to me, “Kiss my ass”: 1
    • Whose deaths I dreamed of facilitating: 1
• People at Penn Station: 521
  • Whose deaths I dreamed of facilitating: 0
    • Whose deaths I couldn’t fantasize about facilitating because I was still stewing over the one bastard who said to me, “Kiss my ass” at Trenton train station: 521

Home Sweet Home
Number of:

• Times I hugged my cat and dog: Still counting

• Times I’ve actually given “thanks” for being back here: Still counting
• Ways I’ve come up with to facilitate the death of Mr. Kiss-My-Ass: Still counting