Ahhh, fortune cookies. The most anticipated part of the Chinese food experience. Not for the too-yellow cookie itself, of course (although I do eat the cookie and not just smash it inside its cellophane wrapper the way my sweet little sister does), but for the message inside that holds the key to my future.
They’re only good when they’re actual fortunes. I don’t like when they just tell me something I already know, such as “You like Chinese food.” Or make a lame statement that has nothing to do with foretelling the future. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a message of that variety and then not screamed (yes, screamed), “It’s a fortune cookie! It is NOT a statement cookie!”
So anyway, the above fortune was contained within a cookie I ate this week. And now I’m all atwitter. I’m wondering which of my persistent, secret desires is soon to be realized. Just in case I have to clarify what I want in order to earn the promise of this fortune, I’d like to list a few persistent, secret desires that I would like realized. (This list, of course, is by no means complete.)
- Johnny Depp will come to my house to hang out and watch movies. Nicely, though, and without ruinous event. I don’t want any of that asinine infamous room-trashing to occur. Now, I know it’s no secret that I have a “thing” for Johnny Depp. The secret is that I really only want to hang out with him and watch movies.
- I will be able to make myself invisible by sheer force of my will. Currently I can do the invisible thing, but it requires a lot of “red tape” and the filling out of so many forms and applications that the effort renders the entire undertaking a colossal waste of time and energy.
- I will have reverse X-ray vision, so that when I am confronted by the stark nakedness of locker-room women bending over to dry their hair, insta-pants and -shirts will suddenly clothe them, and thus I will be spared the inconvenience and discomfort of shock treatment to eradicate the trauma. (I look terrible with those little node things attached to my temples. It’s not a good look.)
- Eliza Dushku, as she appears here.
Now all I have to worry about is just how soon is “soon”?