Less Than Zero

The following is a list of items in which I have less than zero interest, so please, everyone — from those near and dear to me to those whose names I’ll forget as soon as you turn your back — stop asking me if I have done them, seen them, heard them, or any other past participle them.

  • The latest Harry Potter movie. Make that any Harry Potter movie. Same goes for the books.

  • The Sopranos. And please stop saying “Fuggeddaboutit.”
  • The Osbournes. My interest is stillborn.
  • Star Wars. Original, sequel(s), or “prequel”. I can get the same effect from Nyquil, without being in the company of doofi.
  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  • Xena
  • Any entertainment that calls itself a “period piece” and features period costumes. Extra cringes if “American” actors speak in proper, stilted English. (Think “Age of Innocence”.)
  • Any movie in which cars do not appear.
  • The Vagina Monologues. On the other hand, Cuntversations, my own off-off-Broadway production, is fantastic, and I suggest you see it if you haven’t already. (Contact me for details.)
  • Survivor. Also, The Real World.
  • Anything having to do with The Lord of the Rings. Book, movie, whatever. That “Elvish” language thing really I-mor na hidberon Qeyalda parno Javezhis sordanim! Right??
  • “NaNoWriMo”. ThGoItDe.