Putting My Best Foot Forward

I’ve come up with a solution that will enable me to wear the pointy-toed boots that all the Cool Girls this side of Cameron Diaz and that side of Tara Reid are wearing these days. Because as we all know, the It Girls only permit their perky piggies to pose in footwear that is undoubtedly this season. Who cares if there’s, like, snow ‘n’ ice ‘n’ stuff on the sidewalks that’s waiting, quite literally, to trip you up. It’s vital that you step out in style no matter what. Right?
At first I thought I was going to have certain pesky parts of my feet surgically removed in order to accommodate the boots. I mean, it’s not just that several toes won’t fit within the extremely narrow “toe box” no matter how much I wrap them in Saran Wrap to relieve them of unnecessary bloat. The rest of the foot is a problem too.
But because I’m an incredibly resourceful troubleshooter, I’ve now realized that with a few simple items from the hardware store and my local handyman (he looks nothing like Schneider from “One Day At A Time”, thankfully), I can simply have the offending parts of each foot loosely hinged so that they are moved out of the way, automatically and easily, when placed inside the boots. That way I can still wear my other boots (the ones that actually accommodate a human foot) — when I’m entertaining my blind friends — without having to stuff cotton or something into their newly too-large toe box (had I opted for amputation) in order to avoid potentially harmful foot-shifting.
Or I could just wear Dansk clogs. Or something sensible from Mephisto. I could. But I won’t. Because as far as style goes, well, those companies just miss the point.