Found Money

This morning, while putting on a jacket I haven’t worn in quite some time, I felt something crinkly in one of its pockets. Imagine my glee when I found that it wasn’t that winning lottery ticket I’d misplaced in 1997 or the dry-cleaning receipt for a pair of pants I thought were long gone, but a crisp five dollar bill! That’s right! A fin! A five-spot!
Well, I have no idea where it came from, because I rarely misplace anything. So that means only one thing. Someone else lost it. Yes, someone misplaced this half-sawbuck — in my pocket!
So if you lost a five dollar bill sometime in the last couple of years, this one may be yours. Please contact me to make a claim.
Of course I can’t post a photo of the bill, because then everyone would be clamoring to claim it. Please note that I will ask you to provide a matching serial number before releasing the bill into your possession. If no claim is successful, I will split the money 46 ways, with all of the steel workers I let down in 1997. Or finally pick up those pants.
Offer open until midnight tonight (Eastern Standard Time).