In a Nut’s Hell (Part One)

You’ve been sitting around all day, wondering, “Where is she? Why hasn’t she fresh-baked anything for us today? This blows. I can’t get through my day without her wit. And even though I don’t know what she looks like, I can’t survive without her beauty, either. What’s going on? Doesn’t she love us anymore? Has she died … again??”
Well, no. I don’t love you. That much you should already know. I never did, I never have, and chances are I never will. I’m “sorry”, but that’s just the way it goes.
And no, I didn’t die. If you had any sort of memory retention or true loyalty to me, you would have remembered that today was a Very Special Day for me.
I have nothing to say about it right now, other than this:

  1. ChapStick® does not make for a satisfying lunch, even if it’s fruit-flavored (classic cherry!).
  2. People actually like the little movie they show in the big waiting room. No one wants to change the channel to see Regis at 9:00. Surprisingly, saying, “But Vince Neil from Motley Crue is one of the guests!” makes no difference.
  3. Lawyers laugh when young men tell them, in response to one of their humorous, off-the-cuff, stress-relieving questions, that their favorite television show is “The Practice” or “Law and Order”.
  4. Even though a girl includes Pilates among her hobbies in the written questionnaire, fancy lawyers do not feel compelled to ask her, “What is that, anyway?”
  5. Ladies like to splash very yellow urine on toilet seats in government buildings.
  6. During voir dire (look it up, non-legal types!), lawyers like when you’re honest and tell them that you are “not a team player”. They appreciate it when you say, “I would be the one in the jury room yelling like a bitch at all the other jurors because I would not agree with what they’d be deciding, and I wouldn’t back down!” They especially like and appreciate when, after being told by one of them that you will not be selected, and you are doodling pictures of your dog and a little Asian girl in a sailor suit, you respond to one of their questions like this: “I’m sorry. I was not listening. What was the question?”

Before I was dismissed (shocking!), I was told by one of the lawyers to rent this movie.
Still, I have to go back to the Courthouse tomorrow morning. I, of course, object.
Stay tuned for Part Two, tomorrow!
P.S. I managed to do a little charming self-promotion during the questioning. So if anyone reading this was with me in Room “B” this morning/afternoon, drop me a line!