You’ve been sitting around all day, wondering, “Where is she? Why hasn’t she fresh-baked anything for us today? This blows. I can’t get through my day without her wit. And even though I don’t know what she looks like, I can’t survive without her beauty, either. What’s going on? Doesn’t she love us anymore? Has she died … again??”
Well, no. I don’t love you. That much you should already know. I never did, I never have, and chances are I never will. I’m “sorry”, but that’s just the way it goes.
And no, I didn’t die. If you had any sort of memory retention or true loyalty to me, you would have remembered that today was a Very Special Day for me.
I have nothing to say about it right now, other than this:
- ChapStick® does not make for a satisfying lunch, even if it’s fruit-flavored (classic cherry!).
- People actually like the little movie they show in the big waiting room. No one wants to change the channel to see Regis at 9:00. Surprisingly, saying, “But Vince Neil from Motley Crue is one of the guests!” makes no difference.
- Lawyers laugh when young men tell them, in response to one of their humorous, off-the-cuff, stress-relieving questions, that their favorite television show is “The Practice” or “Law and Order”.
- Even though a girl includes Pilates among her hobbies in the written questionnaire, fancy lawyers do not feel compelled to ask her, “What is that, anyway?”
- Ladies like to splash very yellow urine on toilet seats in government buildings.
- During voir dire (look it up, non-legal types!), lawyers like when you’re honest and tell them that you are “not a team player”. They appreciate it when you say, “I would be the one in the jury room yelling like a bitch at all the other jurors because I would not agree with what they’d be deciding, and I wouldn’t back down!” They especially like and appreciate when, after being told by one of them that you will not be selected, and you are doodling pictures of your dog and a little Asian girl in a sailor suit, you respond to one of their questions like this: “I’m sorry. I was not listening. What was the question?”
Before I was dismissed (shocking!), I was told by one of the lawyers to rent this movie.
Still, I have to go back to the Courthouse tomorrow morning. I, of course, object.
Stay tuned for Part Two, tomorrow!
P.S. I managed to do a little charming self-promotion during the questioning. So if anyone reading this was with me in Room “B” this morning/afternoon, drop me a line!