All right, already. Listen up, Miramax or Filofax or TJMaxx or AltoSax, or whatever your bigwig movie production company conglomerate whatzit whozit flotsam jetsam is called.
Knock it off already with the Haley Joel Osment knock-offs. His “I see dead people” line was overplayed before The Sixth Sense ever came out, and was about as fresh and thrilling as a rouged and lipsticked corpse by the time it finally did. He annoyed me from the get-go, both on-screen and off-, especially when interviewed and everyone was tickled all shades of pink at how grown-up the little three-namer was. All Hail Prince Haley!
Why do we need more of his kind? Wasn’t he enough? In the past half year or so, we’ve had the little girl from Signs staring into the camera parroting, “There’s-a-monster-in-my-room-can-I-have-a-glass-of-water” and then a little boy in that movie about the message on a VCR tape that kills anyone who views it … and now some other little kid, all soft focus and innocent, soft-voiced and cloying, whispering yet another warning about yet another otherworldly experience that he or she is privy to because Children Will Lead the Way, a la some sort of Spielberg fly-away-with-me-n-ET throwback.
Oh, Movie Makers! Release the angel-haired, wide-eyed, overly-calm, child-messenger-seer-sages from their whispered pleas and warnings! Please please oh please just tell them to go off and play somewhere in the sunshine, away from VCRs and monsters.
If I hear one more repulsively cute child whispering a warning or delivering a message from a long-dead yet unsettled soul, I’m going to kill myself. And then, while I’m hanging around in limbo, I’ll whisper not-so-sweet somethings into their shell-like ears when they’re playing in a little fort in their bedrooms, and they’ll magically appear in your living room one evening to serve you pea soup, a la Regan.