Dear Mr. Schvantz:
Thank you for your generous, albeit unsolicited, offer to share some of your prized photographs with me. I have a few comments to offer you in return, as follows:

  • If you send something in black and white rather than full color, I will immediately assume it’s because there’s something horribly wrong with your skin, i.e. mottling or a hideous rash. I will recognize this ploy immediately. I will not think you’re artsy. I will think you’re trying to mask a deformity. I will be right.
  • Contrary to what you obviously believe, I do not want to see your dick, and I certainly won’t be swayed by your vehement assertions that you are “hung”. Your insistence that you have an enormous dick only shows me how much of one you are. And the only balls you have are those that compel you to still send me that kind of garbage over the internet. Do you honestly think I’m not going to be showing at least one friend your not-so-goodies during an afternoon lull when we both need a good laugh?

Please believe me when I tell you that all I want to see is your face (if even that). As it appears sometime this century. Send me something you would be proud to show your mother (unless, of course, you’re an incestuous piece of filth). And don’t be cocky about it.
Thank you.

cc: Mrs. Schvantz