Ay ay ay, A.I.

Dear American Idol Contestants:
If one more of you says, “Three weeks ago, I was just a regular person bagging groceries/cutting hair/driving a beat-up truck/going to school in Dipsydoodle, U.S.A., and now people are calling me a celebrity (which I don’t think I am!), fans are asking for my autograph, and I’m getting all this star treatment! But really, I’m still the same person inside, and I won’t forget where I came from. And I LOVE you! I really love ALL of you!!!”, Simon is going to sound positively Paul Abdul-esque compared to me.
There’s a lot more I could say, but I won’t. Trust me, you don’t want to hear it. It would be perhaps even more excruciating for you to listen to what I really want to say than it is for me to hear you sing.
Sincerely,
real-life celebrity and STAR!
Your American JodIdol
P.S. In a few months, no one’s going to remember your names.
cc: Kelly Clarkson

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Key for Those Who Don’t Watch the Show:
Simon: The “mean” (a/k/a truthful) British guy (yes, I’ve changed my mind about him since last year)
Paul Abdul: Sappy, way-too-congratulatory softie who should just join “Up With People” and get it over with already
Kelly Clarkson: Last year’s “winner”