Lemon-Aid

It used to be that if people really needed sound advice, they would get some tasty Chinese food and wait for the fortune cookie. Or, if they were willing to shell out some do-re-mi (beat me for using that term, please) (thank you), they could heed the age-old wisdom of a Magic Eight Ball. But these days, everywhere you look, someone’s spouting off a special brand of homespun advice. You don’t even have to go looking for it.

Crystal Light is no exception. In fact, the only reason I even buy it in the 10-pack (and I don’t even drink this stuff!) is because each individual “tub” is sealed with foil that offers me the sort of warm parental advice that makes me feel like someone really cares. Not once in all my years crying alone in a dusty corner of the orphanage did I ever feel like anyone truly cared.
What I want to know, though, about this particular advice (yeah, you’re gonna have to, like, click on the image to see what I’m talking about), Crystal Light, is what do I do if the dog solidifies his threat with a challenge to rumble, and has the broken bottle in his paw to back it up? What do I do then, Crystal Light? What do I do then?