Flip Flop Flap*

OK, so despite the freakish vestiges of winter that insist on showing their face on random days, it is, for all intents and purposes (whatever they may be), spring. And with spring comes warmer weather. And with warmer weather come shoes to celebrate it. And the closer one lives to a city, the closer he or she is to shoe stores that carry some seriously cute shoes.
So, people, why oh why in the world would anyone choose to wear something as hideous and pedestrian as flip flops? Flip flops do nothing to enhance an ensemble, nothing to lengthen a leg, nothing to guard a foot from all sorts of street goo. They only serve to make their unfortunate wearers feel as if it’s OK to forget to lift their feet when they walk. Why lift your feet when you can shuffle them!
There must be some sort of intoxicant in the flip flops’ rubber that, upon making contact with the pavement, releases itself in a gaseous poof that wafts upward into the nostrils of the wearer, thus rendering him incapable of picking up his feet to walk normally and reducing that person to shameless shambling. Or, if not a gaseous poof, secretes itself directly into the sole of the foot to similar effect.
Even though I have never and will never disgrace my feet with those floppy flippy flippity flop flappity atrocities, I won’t completely discount their utility as footwear for the unimaginative who find themselves in locales where water, sand, and boardwalk replace urine, sputum, and sidewalk.
So listen. Do yourself a favor. If you’re going to be walking around the city, invest in some real shoes. Sandals, even, if you must (and only if your feet are up to the challenge). Look like you actually care about your appearance. And whatever you do, please, pick up your feet when you walk. It’s not that difficult. Last I heard, even two-year-olds were getting it right.
P.S. Don’t send me email telling me not to “flip out”. I won’t think you’re clever. Promise.
*And, of course, Flep, Flup, and sometimes Flyp