A Pinch About Lynch

Oh, baby-faced West Virginian Jessica Lynch! You seem like a pleasant, thoughtful enough young lady, what with the unhurried, simple cadence of your speech, the demure bow of your head, and the sincere manner in which you converse with Diane Sawyer on Primetime. Your shyness is even quite appealing and sweet. And believe it or not, I’m willing to forgive you for saying “ain’t”, “seen” instead of “saw”, and pronouncing “trapeze” as “trampeze”. But I just cannot forgive you for those horrible wheat-colored straight-cut bangs that rest on your forehead. Even those wacky Iraqis know that’s a big fashion “don’t”!