Touchy

People are oh so touchy touchy about the subject of weight. They get all up in flabby arms about it, and many flap their gums about such succulent topics as Renee Zelwegger’s gain. (In case you’re wondering, I prefer her thinny thin thin, as she appeared in Chicago. I am tempted now to make the same sort of remark that Elizabeth Hurley made about Marilyn Monroe, but I will keep quiet. And if you don’t know what that remark was, I’m sure you can find it somewhere. Go on. Looking things up on Google burns calories!)
And just as people are touchy about weight, a recent study shows that the mere touching of food causes a person to gain it. Yes, it is true. All you gals out there who are using mayonnaise on your hair to make it shiny and tasty, and who have noticed a strange correlation in an increase in avoirdupois, take note: the mayonnaise molecules actually enter the bloodstream through your scalp, and are thus digested as if they entered your body via the normal channels.
Research also shows that the mere handling of food with actual hands has the same effect. And those really creative and original types among you who enjoy whipped cream and strawberries and chocolate sauce in the bedroom should be advised that those calories are absorbed as well. Just because it’s only smeared or drizzled onto your body parts as a way to gain sexual pleasure doesn’t mean those parts, among others, won’t gain in other more significant and permanent ways.
Again, if you don’t believe me, I urge you to do a calorie-burning, aerobic Google search.
Enjoy your lunch.