Groundhog Day

No no no. I do not mean the movie. And I do not care how many times you’ve seen it. I do not care that you think it’s side-splittingly funny and that you just love love love Bill Murray, oh my god, everything he does is just the best, and have you seen Lost in Translation? No, by “Groundhog Day”, I don’t mean the movie. Yes, I have seen it. But this is not about that.
This is about the whole event. This groundhog thing. I can’t stand it. Never have been able to stand it. Never will be able to stand it. Now, I know about that “Never say never” stuff, but still. Groundhog Day is something I can say without a shred of doubt that I will never like or think is cute.
The groundhog himself? Well, yes. He’s cute. Actually, he’s downright adorable. And you know what? He wants to be left alone. He doesn’t want you depending on him to not see his shadow so you can pretend that means the weather is all of a sudden going to get warm and you can wear shorts in February. He doesn’t want you booing him in person in that hilariously named town in Pennsylvania when he sees his shadow. Or when you see his shadow. Because, really, who knows what he sees? You’ll never know. So if you depend on “Punxsutawney Phil” to tell you if we’re in for six more weeks of winter, you’ll be waiting a lot longer than six weeks. He, himself, will never tell.
And although he will never forecast the length of the season, I am willing to bet that he wants nothing to do with all of this hullaballoo surrounding his predication. All he wants to do is sleep. Or burrow. Or hibernate. Or whatever it is groundhogs do 364 mornings of the year. So if you want to know if you’re in for six more weeks of winter, get a calendar. And please: wear pants until April. End of story.
P.S. It’s only a matter of time before Phil, disgruntled and not wanting to be dragged from the comfort of his hole, bites some chapped-lipped Pennsylvania zealot on this oh so special day. And when that day comes, poor Phil will probably be “put down”. So just put him down now and leave him down on and in the ground where he belongs.