Lovely Thoughts

Something is clearly wrong with me. Yesterday on my way home from the gym, I wore my earphones. I never wear earphones anywhere but at the gym or on long train (not subway) rides. But yesterday I stood on Broadway with the Flatiron Building just behind me, the Empire State Building a few blocks away, straight in front of me, and the Chrysler Building in clear sight up ahead and to my right, all city noise obliterated and my head full of the song I mentioned the other day*. I will not share the very private thoughts I had, but I will tell you they were lovely.
Then, this afternoon, I found myself humming cheerily on my way down into the subway, and, once on the train itself, regarding the other passengers with a sense of humanity and love that I thought was merely the province of yogis and people lacking the intelligence to realize that people just plain ol’ blow. Not only did I regard the group of retarded folk who entered the car with an appreciation of their innocence and a respect for their unique place in the universe, but I didn’t even punch the curious tourist next to me who gawked at the slackjawed Asian girl and wondered aloud, “How can you tell when a Chinese kid has Down Syndrome, anyway?”
Could it be, I wondered silently, that my brain was one of the ones switched in the laboratory I discovered last month in the apartment below? (I never did tell you what I found. Perhaps one day I will. For now all you need to know is that brains were switched. There was smoke and wires and lightning bolts everywhere.) Was my misanthropy replaced by … anthrophilia**?
And then I got off the subway and came up onto the street, where someone spit a huge gob of disease onto the sidewalk not a foot away from me. Mere seconds later, two tons of attitude butted into me without so much as a mumbled apology. A man shaped like a pear pushed his Bosc girth through a doorway without holding the door open for anyone behind him (e.g. me).
“What a gentleman,” I said. And then let loose a stream of vitriol that let me know that all was right in my world.
Lovely.
* Although I said I would only leave the song up through the weekend, it is still there so my mom will have a chance to listen to it. Mamacita, when you have heard it, please let me know so I can take it down.
** I made this word up, so don’t go looking it up. And don’t ask me what it means. If you can’t figure it out, you don’t deserve to know.