I have nothing for you today. I have nothing for you today because I am punishing myself for having caved in and watched a television show so hideous that the only way I can redeem myself is not by indulging in a bilious rehashing of the experience but by performing a quick autolobotomy so I can excise that part of my brain responsible for the memory of what I saw.
All I will say are these few words:

When the commercials for The Swan first appeared on TV, my mother called and said she knew I would be watching it. “It’s the perfect show for you,” she said, because it combined makeovers and a pageant. How could I resist?
Well, I could. And I did. I was committed to not committing myself to watching this drivel. I resisted. Firmly. Until tonight.
What I saw was shocking. Amazing, how the team of surgeons, stylists, dentists, and therapists transforms perfectly ordinarily unattractive women into shiny, overly made-up Stepford Wife/drag queen hybrids!

And now, if you will excuse me, I have an appointment with a steak knife, a melon-baller, a corkscrew, and a sewing kit.
Are you happy now, Mom? Are you happy now?