Don’t Look Now

Every morning I leave for the gym at an hour that is ungodly. I will not tell you the hour, but believe me, even Zeus himself would raise an eyebrow and gasp, if only he were aware of this. But believe me, I know for a fact he’s still sleeping when I wake up, and sometimes I’m back from the gym before he ever even knows I left. (Yes. I am trying to say I live with Zeus. It is not, after all, un-Hera of.)
So, I leave early. It’s, like, dark ‘n’ stuff. It’s that time of day known as pre-dawn. It’s that time of day where one night stands take special care not to wake the snoozing loser they boozed with and boffed last night, as they gather their hastily discarded clothes from the floor where they threw them in a frenzy to get unfamiliarly nude and lewd, and then quickly get dressed by the front door (fuck the socks and underwear, you’ve gotta get out!) and try to unlock the door quietly in order to take to the streets for their “walk of shame” (a phrase I hate).
I walk quickly to the gym, one hand in my jacket pocket, grasping my referee’s whistle. I do not listen to music on the way. I am extremely alert and aware of my surroundings. I cross the street if someone “suspicious” looking is looming ahead or approaching me. I walk with confidence and, although I do look around to see what’s what, for the most part I look straight ahead.
So why is it that inevitably some guy will try to make eye contact? No one in her right mind makes eye contact with a random pedestrian on a New York City street at extremely early o’clock. No one.
Listen, eye guys, if you wait until Apollo drags the sun across the sky in his chariot, I will give you all the eye contact you want. I will. I will actually pluck my eyes from their sockets, hand them to you (careful, they’re glass), and let you roll them across your own for a few seconds. I will cheerfully stand by and patiently wait for you to replace them in my blind palm. Once they are secure in my head again, we will smile at each other. You will tip your hat, and I will curtsey. It will be all friendly and nice. We will go our separate ways and be happy for the brief exchange.
If you try this instead of the creepy pre-dawn eye-pounce, I assure you we’ll see eye to eye.