When you think “household hints”, you don’t think of me. You think of Heloise, I’m sure. And I’m fine with that. I’m fine with that because I know for a cold hard fact that Heloise has nothing on me in any other aspect of life. The bitch can’t pilate, her hair’s a mess, and I’m willing to bet a real Kennedy half dollar (the same kind Bobby Brady offered as incentive for a school chum to act like he was Cindy’s “secret admirer”!) that her sense of style is stuck somewhere around elastic-waistband slacks and Ship ‘n’ Shore separates.
As rare as it may be, though, I have been known to stumble upon domestic discoveries. And when I do, I want to share them with the world. Not out of some altruistic sense of community or barely containable need to relate to the rest of humankind in a hand-holding ring-around-the-rosie sort of way, but just because I want to be a showoff. And also because if someone else makes the same discovery but beats me to announcing it to the world, I will lapse into severe depression and no one will believe me when I spit out, “I came up with that first! That was my idea!” I cannot have that.
I made my discovery yesterday. Here’s what happened.
Yesterday morning, around 4:45, I pranced into the kitchen to mix my customary pre-gym glass of iced coffee. I opened the refrigerator, removed the glass bottle containing the chilled coffee, and then reached for the carton of soy creamer on the refrigerator door. And guess what? It was not there. It was not there because I had used the last of the soy creamer the day before, and I have this habit of discarding empty containers. I also have a habit of neglecting to replenish things when the opportunity arises (e.g. I will walk by Whole Foods and think, “I must replenish things, e.g. soy creamer and hot sauce,” and then tell myself I will do it later. And then I don’t) and forgetting about the neglect until the moment presents itself when I need the item in question. This is what happened with the soy creamer.
So I was faced with a beautiful glass of chilled coffee waiting to be united with soy creamer, but no soy creamer was in the house (or in da house for the hip-hoppy among you). And there was no way I was going to drink the coffee black or use half-and-half. “Oh come on, Jodi,” you’re thinking. “You could do liquid dairy just this one time. That’s ridiculous.” Well, uhmm, no. Liquid dairy disgusts me on a level I cannot quite describe. Think of the one food you loathe the most and imagine stirring that into a cup of coffee. Go on. Think. Cafe con headcheese isn’t too appetizing, is it? And no one’s bellying up to the bar for aspic coffee (aspicoffee!), either.
What could I do? I had to think fast. I bent down for a quick survey of the refrigerator’s contents.
“Tahini!” I thought, remembering a recent affair with falafel. Then a repulsed, “No.”
“Nasoya soy thousand island dressing!” I thought, recalling many a delightful tempeh reuben sandwich made even more delightful by the addition of this creamy treat. And another repulsed, “No.”
I went along this same path many more times, and had just discounted dill pickle juice or mashed potatoes as options, when out of the corner of my eye I saw, on the same refrigerator door that was glaringly devoid of soy creamer, something that I could use in its place: CHOCOLATE SOY MILK!
I know you’re thinking, “Well, duh” and “Oh, how anti-climactic”, but believe me when I tell you that this beverage, blended in an approximate 5:1 ratio of coffee to chocolate soy milk, enhanced with a packet or two of Splenda, and drunk through a straw, is nothing short of sensational.
I thought maybe it was just a one-time sensation, though. This afternoon, after I again neglected to replenish when an opportunity presented itself, I found myself at home and in need of a cold caffeine beverage. So I prepared a glass just like I did yesterday, and — get ready — it was even better than yesterday!
I was so excited I started singing, “I love you mocha today than yesterday … but not as much as tomorrow!”
Tomorrow can’t get here soon enough!
P.S.  Jealous much, Heloise??