Fatwalk

Oh, how I love the obese toddlers. If you’ve been here before, you know that I am powerless against their allure. I haven’t written about them lately, but that’s only because Maury hasn’t featured a new crop on his show for quite some time. Or, if he has, I haven’t been aware of it, which would not be my fault but that of my personal assistant, part of whose job is to keep me informed of the subject matter and guests scheduled to appear on daytime television. (The assistant knows that I am never to miss an appearance by Johnny Depp or Jeff Goldblum [pause here, friends, to appreciate my varied taste in the menfolk] or an “I’ve Had Disgustingly Long Hair That Looks Like Weeds My Entire Life And Now I Want To Be Shorn On National Television While I Blubber Over How Much I’m Going To Miss The Hair Because It’s The One Feature I Have That Distinguishes Me From The Crowd And My Husband Likes To Pull It When We Have Sex Teehee” episode.)
So, anyway. Obese toddlers. I last wrote about ’em in October. I’m praying for an update show soon, because I like to see if any of the chunksters have slimmed down since their last visit. On occasion, one of the mamas will have come to her senses and realized that feeding a baby enough food to kill a horse, or an actual horse itself, isn’t really such a good idea, and the kid will be brought out looking somewhat less obese. But most times they don’t, despite some of the mamas’s assertions that they’ve “tried everything”. In fact, when the kid waddles onto the stage, a year or so older and who knows how many precious pounds heavier, he’ll just grab the cordless microphone held out to him and continue to delight the audience with shirtless, unintelligible garbling.
So this morning when I was at the gym, at the end of my treadmill session, I decided enough was not enough, and I tacked on an extra bonus round to accommodate two Brazil nuts I’d eaten yesterday. This is what I entered on the control panel:

Time: 10
Weight:  112
Age: 4

I did not do this on purpose. I was attempting to enter my real age, but in all the excitement of listening to “Love Her Madly” for a fourth time, I pressed ENTER before I had a chance to enter a “1” (oooh! guess my age! can you guess? c’mon! guess!). I made a quick executive decision and left the age at “4” rather than going through the whole exhausting process again.
“OK, so let’s see how many calories a 112-pound 4-year-old would burn in 10 minutes,” I said to myself, and set about my mission.
“Let’s make the kid work, though,” I said, and for the next ten minutes I did intervals, ranging from a 10 to 12% incline at a pace of either 4.5 or 5.0 mph. “None of this ‘baby steps’ nonsense.”
And whattya know? At the end of the ten-minute hike, in all the excitement, I pressed END before noting the number of calories burned! I was tempted to do it over again, but I didn’t. I’d already done 45 minutes of “cardio” and had to get home in time to watch the wedding on Live With Regis and Kelly that my assistant marked on my calendar last night.
So, I apologize to all the 112-pound 4-year-olds out there who may have been reading this, breathless with anticipation if not their own exertion. You’ll just have to do it yourselves and see.