I say… ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT ALREADY, SO I STOLE IT FROM WHOLE FOODS TWO SATURDAYS AGO, YEAH, I TOOK IT WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT, BUT DAMN IT, IT WAS ON THE FLOOR AND I FELT SORRY FOR IT AND DECIDED IT NEEDED TO BE LOVED BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY NO ONE LOVED IT ENOUGH EARLIER TO NOT PICK IT UP OFF THE FLOOR, AND WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PAY FOR THE REST OF THE FOOD I JUST LEFT IT IN MY PALM WHERE IT HAD RESTED FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AND TOOK IT WITHOUT PAYING, ALL RIGHT, AND MY HEART WAS POUNDING LIKE I WAS STEALING MY ENTIRE CARTFUL OF GROCERIES, SO, ANYWAY, WHAT’RE YOU GOING TO DO, PUT ME IN JAIL AND SAY, AS I PROTEST, “TOUGH TOMATOES, CHARLIE”???
I did eat it, though, so it wasn’t like I just took it for sport.
This Saturday: I purloin a potato!
P.S. You’d think I’d learn by now not to take things that don’t belong to me. I don’t want to receive another letter, like this one.