Fourth What It’s Worth (or, in the alternative, For What It’s Fourth)

Listen. You’ve gotta be safe today, OK? Don’t be an idiot. I’m serious. Don’t go running around with a firecracker in your hand or in your hair or up your … hoohah … just because the other kids are doing it. Those kids will wind up handless, hairless, and/or hoohahless thanks to their shenanigans, and will spend the rest of the day in the emergency room, being summarily ignored by a staff of uncaring personnel who’d really rather be with their families today than in the hospital taking care of imprudent imbeciles. Or, if not the hospital, then the morgue. And as much fun as hanging out in a sliding drawer may be, it’s only fun when you’re alive to enjoy it.
So be careful. I mean it. If you need further warning from me, please check out my warnings from years past:
* Don’t Be A Statistic
* Don’t Be A Flaming Idiot
* Looking Fourthward
Sparkle as much as you want today, but only from the INSIDE out. Sparkle from your soul, children, not from some cheap, poorly manufactured fireworks!
If you die, I’ll be really pissed. So that, in and of itself, should be reason enough for you to live.