The best things in life are

free

 
$3.50 and $8.50
and

$1.75
Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise (I never say this in real life, believe me) for, in order of appearance, above: Peyton, an 11-year-old German Shepherd/Greyhound mix I met in Park Slope on Tuesday; Red Hot Black Bean Tofu and Scallion Pancake, both from Red Hot, also in Park Slope; and Chocolate Mousse Ice from Uncle Louie G (not my real uncle), also also also in Park Slope.
See, I’m not Oprah. (I know you think I secretly am, but I am not.) My favorite things don’t require you to sell your soul, your kids, your blood, or your ass to enjoy them. And they don’t require you to make a colossal jackass out of yourself on television when you receive them. They do, however, require you to drip one of them (hint: its name rhymes with “jocolate voose”) on your white pants** and thus be subjected to the raucous laughter of another of them:

At least the Red Hot Black Bean Tofu (or “RHBBT”, pronounced “Ribbit”, as it prefers to be called) and Scallion Pancake (“Just call me ‘Scally P.’!”) showed me some respect and knew their place, which was in my mouth (shut up, boys) and very appreciative stummy.****
* Please feel free to not be able to get Tina Turner’s song of the same name out of your head now. Please also feel free to not be able to stop picturing her with a sassy shag hairdo, semi-sorta crouching in a shimmery dress just to show off her sensational stems.
** I wasn’t as lucky as I was last time. Had I planned*** to buy this chocolate ice, I would have bought special brown pants just for the occasion.
*** And no, I do not mean “pre-planned”. That word is just wrong. Think about it. Really.
**** This is the second time I have used this word (a “makey-uppy”!!)***** on this site this summer. (This was the first. And, oddly enough, that entry contained quite a few asterisked “asides” as well. AND a mention of white pants. Spooky!!)
***** I am slipping a noose over my head right now and placing the barrel of a cold (and surprisingly tasty) gun into my mouth right now. “[M]akey-uppy” makes me sick to my stummy.******
****** Goodbye. It’s been nice know——-dfio;35890a4i;dj jkf;aslr589308p3q48p9#$*(#Pd! —- *******
******* Yes, this makes this entry a “suicide blog”, which should not be confused with “Suicide Blonde”. But please feel free (I really respect your freedom!) now to not be able to get that song out of your head, or INXS, or, thus, by extension, sorta kinda, my beloved Marty Casey.
—– … 🙁