While in the shower at the gym the other day, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the most hideous thought: What if, while I was in the shower, someone snagged my iPod from where it rested under some of my other stuff on the ledge across from my stall, and ran with it through the locker room, past the coat check, up the stairs, through the first floor, past the front counter, out the doors of the gym, and onto Broadway? Would I let the thief get that far? Or would I rush out of the stall, grab my towel from the hook just outside its door, and dash along the same route to catch the ‘pod purloiner?
Would it be worth appearing in the gym “proper” all wet and bedraggled — and quite possibly all sudsy — to shout out, “Bitch took my iPod! BITCH TOOK MY IPOD!!!!!”? Would I be taken seriously in such an un-put-together state? Could I, the girl who, ever since middle school, refused to change in front of the other girls — and who still, 30 years later, not only refuses to use “communal” dressing rooms but insists on taking her gym clothes off in the shower stall, hanging them over the door, and then, after her shower, dries off in the stall and puts on her “real” clothes within that sanctuary — could I, that girl, bolt after the “perp”?
What is the price point at which I would brave public nudity? Why so modest, anyway? Certainly if I’ve spent thousands of dollars on gym memberships and private Pilates sessions, I should have sufficient pride in the fitness of my body to allow it to appear in a highly nude state in public, if not just for the hell of it but especially in case of emergency. Right?
You’d think so. But you’d be wrong. Oh so very very wrong. You see, iPods are replaceable (remember?) (and relatively inexpensive, compared to the price of my gym and Pilates). But my dignity — and need to keep my rack (and more!) under wraps? Not.
P.S. Yes, I’m an idiot and leave my iPod out. Under some stuff, yeah, but still. Yes, I know I should keep it in a locker instead. And yes (yes) (yes, Mother) (yessssss, Mother dearest, yes), I will do that from now on, now that all of you, if not the entire world, know that I’ve been leaving it unattended and will thus “test” me on this. Do not think for one minute that I would not be suspicious if, through the frosted wavy glass of the shower stall door, I saw a crowd of you hovering by the ledge, waiting to make your move. Buzzards, all of you.