The Small Stuff

I hate when people say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” I like sweating the small stuff. It’s fun and productive and keeps me from sweating the big, huge, and gargantuan stuff. Plus, if everyone else isn’t sweating the small stuff, who will sweat it? It’s up to me to preserve and maintain the integrity of the bite-sized annoyances by giving them the attention they so richly deserve.
So to that end, I offer you, in bulleted list form, a series of stuff that I uphold is certainly sweat-worthy despite (or in spite of) its size. Take a gander at what’s got my goose (who, by the way, does not appreciate your chasing after him and trying to force-feed him all sorts of grain to fatten him up in order to create foie gras for your cocktail party).

  • The word “everyday” is an adjective. When used like this — “These are my everyday dishes; the good china is kept in a cabinet and only used once every decade” — it is correct. When it is used like this — “I go to Krispy Kreme everyday” — it is not. In the latter example, it should be broken down into two words, i.e. “every day”. (Please note that both examples contain other faults as well. In the first, you should use your “good china” more than once a decade. What’s the point of having nice stuff if you do not use it? What are you “saving” it for? In the second, you should not go to Krispy Kreme on a daily basis. Studies reveal that people who go to Krispy Kreme every day do not go to the gym most days, let alone every one. So knock it off. Too much fried dough gives you too much thigh dough.)

  • If you are talking to your imaginary friend in an enclosed space (like the bus) loudly enough that I can still hear despite turning up the volume on The Sex Pistols’s “No Feeling” and jamming my earplugs so far in my ear canals that they have pushed through my skull and are embedded in my brain, it may be time to have the imaginary friend’s hearing checked out and quite possibly have him fitted for a hearing aid (the same kind I will probably require after having had to jam the earplugs in my head to drown out the sound of your insane rambling).
  • Kirstie Alley, you are still not thin. Yes, you’re not quite as much of a load as you were before Jenny Craig no doubt paid you a load to represent them — and hey, that’s great — but stop acting like you’re adorable and mincing around in tight dresses like you’re Betty fucking Boop. Shut up shut up shut UP. (The squealing about Fettucini Alfredo is especially unappetizing.)
  • Gymsters, if you want to stretch your calves after that intense workout that didn’t produce a teaspoon of sweat (the real small stuff!), would you mind not using the steps of the heavily-trafficked center stairway to do it? Also, fellas, please cease wasting valuable mat space by doing backbends that force me to see your jiggly little knob sitting atop your now extended torso like an errant upended peanut.
  • If the only English you have in you is an English muffin or breakfast tea, please refrain from using “Cheers” as a greeting or send-off.
  • Just because there’s an “Oy” in “goyim” doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for a non-Jew to use this precious term.
    (Yes, I’ve addressed the last two items before!)

Of course, this short list is by no means a complete inventory. I may append this list as the day progresses, so you may want to check back to see how big it becomes.
P.S. Since I am a lady, I would prefer if, when you next tell me not to sweat the small stuff, you phrase it as “Don’t perspire the petite pettiness.”