Gmail, you are not cute

Dear Gmail,
Listen. We’ve gotta talk. Lately you’ve been sucking ass. Major fucking ass. Assy assy fuck on a major, grand scale. And not in a good way.
Why oh WHY do you insist on malfunctioning every day? And why do you have to be so damned cutesy about it, and giggle “Oops” when you fuck up? What are you — five years old? Save the “oops” for when you accidentally fingerpaint Mommy’s white sofa with gloppy grape jelly. Save the “ooops” for when you “make” in your pants. Save the “oops” for when you cut little Jenny Flugel’s hair off with safety scissors during arts and crafts and she’s not happy with the results.
Grow up, Gmail. Get back to work. No ifs, ands, or oops about it!