Stop holding your breath

I can’t keep you waiting. You’re blue enough in the face as it is, sitting on the edge of your tuffets, wringing your hands, waiting for me to wrap up a few loose ends. I know I don’t like a mess, and I just can’t rest until everything’s pretty much in order. So, really, I’m doing this just as much for myself as I am for you. Don’t think for a moment that my narcissism isn’t involved somehow.

  1. Three weeks ago, in Fiction or Non-Fiction?, I invited you to guess if a certain situation actually happened or not. Forty-six votes presented themselves, 30 of which (65%) selected “non-fiction”. I am proud to say that I pulled the wool over those voters’ eyes. Hurrah!

  2. Two weeks and two days ago, in You do the work, I asked if you knew why I found a certain prepackaged item at Whole Foods so annoying. Although several of you made rather valiant attempts at identifying the reason, only one person, “Da Goddess”, did so correctly. She submitted three ideas, and this one — It annoys you because you like to think that parents who shop at Whole Foods are the type who would take five minutes and make their children real meals and not something prepackaged and “cute” — was right on the money. The answer was also to be found, sort of, in the title of the post itself. Please pause to admire my cleverness while I bestow upon Da Goddess the day-long admiration I promised as a prize.
  3. Two days ago, in Golden Slumbers!, I rubbed your nose in the fabulous fact that I, and not you, were hightailing it to Astoria for a private slumber party. Your envy ran the green gamut, even before you knew that this was among the festivities:

    FatsoFestFeature.jpg
    Rivals the classic green bean casserole
    topped with Durkee “onion rings” for sheer bliss

    This bubbling beauty, Matt’s glorious creation, found me floating, a la Fred Flinstone, mid-air, eyes closed and lids fluttering, toes twinkling, nose twitching toward a waft of steam leading to the E-Z Bake Oven from which he lovingly removed it within five minutes of my arrival. Veganism be damned, there’s no way I’d be able to say no to this gooey seductress of spinach, artichoke, and who knows what else. Or, really, cares. I would have been disappointed had it been healthed up with the addition of tofu or low-fat nonsense. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint. Never let it be said that Matt doesn’t know how to satisfy a girl.